I checked with the legal department and waterboarding is the only legal option you have.

If your military is anything like ours, his balls are considered "government property", and you could be penalized for damaging them. Sucks, I know, but hey. Perhaps you can sew his lips shut with a festive Christmasy bit of ribbon? No, wait, that would be damage, too. Shit. How abuot shoving one of the gaily coloured balls from the office Christmas tree into his mouth? That won't cause any permanent damage, unless it's a glass ball, and he bites down. And then, if he does damage his mouth, it's *his* fault, so he'll be the one getting the court martial, right? Right : ). Merry fuckin' Christmas!

I get most of my social etiquette cues from Vlad the Impaler and the Ottoman Turks. Put his decapitated head on top of the office coffee maker as a warning to all the others. The fuzzy red Santa cap is optional.

Sure. Plus you get one phone call for free afterwards too!